81. Pissing Your Pants Sucks (Pt. 2)

Day 81

Location 17: Birmingham

Jan. 20, 2023

In Birmingham, there is a lot of spots that aren't. That's not a typo. Many places in Birmingham simply weren't. What I mean is: in Birmingham, you'll see things you recognize and are familiar with, but upon closer inspection you realize they are not those recognizable, familiar things.

Follow along as I chronicle all the things in Birmingham that simply...aren't.

1. Charging Bull, New York

2. Pissed Pants

3. Everything €10 (or under) Sale

4. ⍰⍰⍰⍰ ⍰⍰⍰⍰

5. A Nice Snack

1. Charging Bull, New York

Hey, that's the famous Charging Bull statue on Wall Street in New York City. WRONG!

This phony bull is actually outside a mall in Birmingham. This imposter bull lacks three important characteristics of the real Charging Bull. Namely (1) it lacks the cultural significance resulting from a close proximity to a global financial hub (i.e. Wall Street) (2) it lacks the ceaseless anti-capitalism controversy inexorably linked to the real statue (3) it lacks–and this is a direct quote from the real bull's Wikipedia page–"The Charging Bull's scrotum is noticeably lighter in color due to frequent rubbing."

2. Pissed Pants

Whoa, that guy pissed his pants, look at all that piss. WRONG!

First of all, his name is George. I met George and his friends in Budapest and they were so fun and so good at holding in their pee that I visited them in Birmingham. That stain on his pants is not piss, it's called fashion. Wait sorry, that's wrong. It's called a spilled drink. But still, we can all agree George wears it well. (If you want a story about real pissed pants, go here.)

3. Everything €10 (or under) Sale

Yay, it's a sale where the maximum cost of any item in the store is €10 . WRONG!

You stupid fucking dumb gullible little moron. What made you think that, dummy? Was it the huge bold letters on the sign outside the store that said "SALE EVERYTHING €10 (OR UNDER)"? Well look closer dumbo: "*T&C: SOME EXCLUSIONS". I really hate this sign because it's like a skydiving center that promises "all our parachutes work" with a disclaimer "but not 100% of the time". Luckily I wasn't fooled by this sign, and I certainly didn't get to the checkout with items I had to put back once I realized they were part of the "some exclusions" category.

4. ⍰⍰⍰⍰ ⍰⍰⍰⍰

Oh my god, it's a butt plug . RIGHT!

Just kidding, WRONG! Despite what you sickos might think, this is a perfume atomizer held upside down for dramatic effect. However, if I'm being honest, the fragrance smelled like shit.

Oh my god, wait––

5. A Nice Snack

A regular pickle is a nice snack. Oh I bet Dylan ate a regular pickle with nothing else. WRONG!

Besides George, the other three friends I met in Budapest were Liv, Sasha, and Em. The trio claimed there was a TikTok trend to open up a pickle, stuff crunchy snacks inside, wrap that all in a fruit roll-up, and eat it. Sounds nasty, right? But if you try'd it, you'd realize your instincts were correct. It's gross. It's gross to taste it. It's gross to watch it. Horrifying stuff. They're lovely, fun people who have horrible taste in snacks.

For all the things that Birmingham wasn't, I want to reiterate what it was. It was a wonderful time with four chill, sweet, and funny people who were gracious hosts that knew how to have a great time...and had no idea how to enjoy a pickle. (Seriously, it was gag-inducing and those animals went back for seconds.)