Day 50
Location 13: Paris
Dec. 20, 2022
Today wasn't eventful, so instead let's count down the 5 worst behaviors I've witnessed in hostels.
This list will run the gamut from a snoring symphony to spontaneous night terrors. Here we go:
5. Snoring
In a few hostels, I've had the unfortunate experience of sleeping in the room of a snorer. In one particular instance, there were two guys suspending in air by their bunkbeds, each on opposing sides of the room. One had a hushed, wheezing snore that sat low like a calming rustling of leaves. The other had a booming snore accented with noises that you could mistake for a lion's roar. Like dueling pianos, they played together in perfect harmony as their syncopated snores filled the room. As beautiful as that sounds, it sucked:
On a different night, I was stuck in a room with another notorious snorer. This kid had actually been on my train and woke himself up with a particularly loud snore before awkwardly laughing to the girl next to him as he realized he'd probably just been snoring for a while. Anyway, this kid was super funny and very nice (and actually really cute), but on this particular night the kid was snoring like how you'd imagine Beast from Beauty and the Beast snores. Everyone in the room could hear it and one of my roommates took (but didn't save) a video of the snoring kid. The snoring kid was me.
4. Lights
Although I lack the physical evidence of these offenders, this section recounts some of the most infuriating things you can experience in a hostel.
First, you should know that most hostel rooms, like a typical room, have a light switch by the door that toggles the primary light of the room, which is bright enough to light the entire space. Similarly, in most hostels, each bed as a little night light affixed to the wall, which is bright enough to light your bed's little nook.
On one occasion, someone came into the room around 3am after a night out (a usual occurrence) and flicked on the light switch by the door (not a usual occurrence), shining the primary room light into the eyes of the five other sleeping bodies in the room. What an ass.
On another occasion, when some guy came into the room around 3am after a night out (a usual occurrence) he skipped past the primary light switch, skipped the bed's night light, and instead opted for a rare third option: turning on the flashlight of his iPhone and aiming it directly at my face as he looked for the bunkbed ladder. Then, with his iPhone's flashlight, he performed a horror private puppet show spread across the entire ceiling for the room (see below). I'm struggling to find the words to describe how surreal and unsettling this was. What an ass.
On yet another occasion, a snorer (I hate them) rolled over mid-sleep and accidentally turned their bed's night light on. This particular night light was brighter than most and (apparently) this particular person's sleep was deeper than most because he remained a-slumber. Eventually, he woke up and turned off the light, but not before I snuck a celebratory selfie in the golden haze:
On the last occasion of Lights, some guy came into the room at night and used his iPhone flashlight a
3. Theft
After showering and drying off, I hung up my wet towel on the frame of my top bunk bed to air dry (something I've seen done in many hostels by many people).
Later that day, I returned to find my towel missing. Let me clarify: it wasn't missing–it had been moved from its previously hanging position to a new lying down position on the bottom bed (i.e. not my bed).
"Hey man, did you see a towel hanging up?" I asked, knowing the real answer was Yes, I took it down and kept it for myself. Reality played out differently: "Ahh no man". His delivery so obviously telegraphed the lie that I almost pitied him, so I asked him again. The result didn't change "yes, this one's mine, but if you want you can have it". No one who hasn't stolen a towel would offer up their own. Still not convinced he stole it? Here's the smoking gun:
"It's okay, I'll just go rent another" I sigh, resigned to defeat. "How much do they cost to rent?".
Boom! Got him. They don't give out free towels in this hostel. You must rent them for €2. So if he was telling the truth and that was in fact his towel, he would've had to rent it and would know exactly how much they cost to rent. A €2 towel isn't the worst thing to have stolen, but it was the blatant lying that really soured this guy for me. Also he's also using my dirty towel? What a weirdo.
2. Alarms
Unless you're dead, you'll wake up in the morning. But if you need to wake up at a certain time, you can employ the use of an alarm. In rare cases, your body rejects attempts to control its natural rhythms (i.e. the alarm doesn't wake you up). In those cases, it really sucks for everyone else.
Previously, I shared about this guy's alarm in Amsterdam that failed to wake him and that left me in a cold sweat mistakenly thinking that I was trapped inside a Rainforest Cafe. Here's the clip:
One morning in Lisbon, a guy's alarm went off and then he woke up. Let me clarify: he woke up not from the alarm, but from us laughing at the bizarreness of his alarm. It was a stream of announcements about the day's weather and news. Once conscious, he claimed "It's never done that before". Riiiiight:
Alarms come in all shapes and sizes. For example, some come in the form of a phone ringtone while others come in the form of a mid-night blood curdling shriek...One night in Prague, my three roommates and I went out together, returned to the hostel, and were now all saying goodnight to each other from our respective beds.
"I need to say something" one kid admitted sheepishly. "I need to warn you."
We all waited for his next words with complete silence. "I...uh...might wake up in the middle of the night and start screaming." There was another pause followed by laughter. His admission was so absurd (and terrifying) that we could only laugh. This dude explained that he suffers from night terrors, will scream even after waking up, and then really said "ok, sleep tight!"
Luckily, he didn't suffer from night terrors during my stay, but once he let out a movie villain laugh multiple times that gave me chills. I suddenly missed Safari Joe and his Rainforest Cafe alarm.
1. Late-Night Actives
We've made it to the end of the list. Let's cover two quick instances and then wrap up with the grand finale where you'll be challenged to put your detective skills to the test.
First instance of poor etiquette late-night actives: someone took a shower at 3:30am. You gotta be real fucking dirty to justify a 3:30am shower. You better be covered in mud, blood, or shit (none of which was the case for this guy). Also, he used the shower in our room. There were perfectly good showers in the hallway, far away from a room full of sleeping people. If you listen closely to the first video of this blog (that captures the snoring symphony), you'll hear the shower in the background.
Second instance of poor etiquette late-night actives: a guy and girl were in the bottom bunkbed across from me making out. It was clear they wanted to have sex, but were worried that it might wake people up. It was clear because they were talking out loud about it. Ironically, their 20 minute discussion about whether or not to have sex kept me up longer than if they had just had sex for the four minutes that sex always lasts for everyone which is a very normal and very good amount of time. In the morning, they had inexplicably moved from the bottom to the top bunk. I don't know how or why. That's not part of their bad hostel behavior, it was just strange.
The Finale
Here's the deal: I'm going to tell you a story, one sentence at a time (as all stories are told) and your mission is to figure out what's going on based on context clues in as few sentences as possible. The sooner you decipher the situation, the more points you win. Let's play:
At 3am, one guy in only a towel walks into the room's bathroom and another guy in only underwear jumps down from his bunk bed to quickly join the first guy. Have a guess yet?
They close the door and I start to hear some giggles coming from inside. Still not sure?
In broken English, one of them says "two fingers, just put two fingers in." It's at this point of the story where I start searching for headphones to plug my ears.
After some groaning, I hear one of them spitting. Then, more spitting. You've got it now?
After a brief pause, the other commands "no, you gotta go deeper. Go deeper." Get it??
.......................................
Then, they achieve their goal: one of the guys throws up.