Day 37
Location 8: Amsterdam
Dec. 7, 2022
Read on to join me on a written walking tour of my day.
On this tour, you'll not only see the famous sights of my day, but will also get a sense of what life might've been like for high Dylan. Please keep up with the group, the tour should take about 8 minutes, and your humble guide does graciously accept tips. Enjoy!
Oh yea, I forgot something. Before we begin the tour, you deserve some context:
A few days ago, I smoked a joint and didn't really get high. I smoked another. Still not high, just relaxed. A few more joints. Still not high. So today's decision to eat an "extra strong edible" with two Kiwis (i.e. New Zealanders) I met is based on the assumption that Amsterdam marijuana is weak. This will turn out to be a grossly erroneous assumption.
1: Amsterdam Cheese Museum
Welcome to our first stop on the tour. We're all feeling slightly high and more than slightly hungry, so we've come to the Amsterdam Cheese Museum. It's important to note this is less of a museum and more of a walk-in charcuterie room of free cheeses. After a few laps of the free cheese room, we'll leave satisfied and ready for the next stop of the tour. If you'd like to take photos of the cheese museum, please do so quickly and meet the rest of the group below the page break.
This cheese (right) was oddly sticky, had a weird pineapple flavor, and stained the couch. I don't know what I'm saying.
2: The Heineken Experience
Our next stop on the tour is the original 1864 Heineken brewery. Here, we'll learn how to brew beer, what ingredients go into every drop of Heineken, and how the bottle has changed over the years.
Oh and at the end there's 2 free beers waiting for you, which all the employees condescendingly repeated to us multiple times in a tone that said we know the only reason you're here is for the two free beers. Huh? Why would I pay €21 to have to sit through an hour or information to drink two beers? If I wanted two beers, I'd walk into a bar, pay €8, and drink immediately. It was really fucking annoying and you know what, I'm getting mad thinking about it, so let's just move onto the next stop of the tour. Please take your photos quickly and meet the group at the exit.
3: Dinner Break
At this point, the edibles are starting to hit and we're all hungry. We just passed a huge Chinese restaurant that looked like the one from Rush Hour, Foo Chow. Unfortunately. the tour route dictates that we can't stop there, to my dismay. After a trip to the grocery store, we'll lay out our sandwiches, of which I have two, and our snacks, of which I have a big back of Doritos.
Yum, we're quite full. Everyone else please finish your food and throw our your trash so the staff doesn't have to. We'll meet outside by the statue for the second half of the tour.
4: Red Light District (Cancelled)
I'm sorry everyone, but unfortunately there's an amendment to the tour's agenda. On our way to the Red Light District, the edibles have really started hitting and one of the Kiwis just abruptly demanded "I need to go home". His friend fruitlessly has suggested he walk it off. "NO. I'M GOING HOME NOW!". His distress was apparent. They've both left.
Now I'm alone (not including you fine people, of course). As I mentioned, the edibles are really hitting. My stomach is full from the dinner break, but my mind is hungry from the edible. Remember the Chinese restaurant that resembled the one from Rush Hour? I went there. Big mistake. Big. Huge. Hurry up, the group is moving onto the next stop.
5. The Chinese Restaurant
I stretched out my hand to push open the entrance door and it was as if I had pushed open the flood gates of the edible because boy was I suddenly incredibly high. "Incredibly" in this instance means "extreme; to a great degree" and not "extraordinary; especially great". This monstrosity of a food establishment was stacked three stories high with overwhelming decadence inside. I don't know why, but all of those details made things worse.
Everyone was staring at me (not really), the room was shaking (not really), and I was singularly focused on breathing like a normal person to try to fit in (really). "Eight dumplings please" I say in my best impression of a voice that will arouse the least suspicion. It's right about now where I begin to (only slightly) believe I am, in fact, in Rush Hour and will have to fight the mob boss, Juntao, in order to leave.
Two dumplings down, six to go. Not great progress, but I can't go on. My stomach is more full than it's ever been. It feels like it's about to pop, like it's literally bursting at the seems. Remember in The Dark Knight when Heath Ledger's Joker is in jail and uses his one phone call to ring a cell phone that's been sewn up inside one of the other inmates' stomach? Imagine how painful that must've been for that prisoner...well, I imagine it's similar to how I felt in this moment.
